I am getting bored of sending the same emails to everyone.
Lots of love
B
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]Episode 1 of my travelling podcast! Salvador De Bahia, Carnivale and Dancing OAP’s.
One of those moments…
I never planned on seeing the Patagonia region while in South America but the more I read about it and the more pictures it became apparent that we must go down south. I have always wanted to go whale watching and to see a glacier. Both these things could be achieved. We secured work in a hostel for a month in Cordoba which meant we would have some extra funds to travel. These funds would take us down South.
One of the best decisions I have ever made! Mind blowing experience. It was going to be a tough aul journey down there. 24 hours to Puerto Madryn to do whale watching, 26 hours to El Calafete to see the glacier and then 56 hours all the way back up to Mendoza (which is in the middle of Argentina). Oh yeah, Argentina is fucking massive. It is the same size as India. Never thought it was that big. Shocking. So little research, Brian.
In order to do all this, we needed to renew our visa. We had a 3 month visa for Argentina and we were about a month and a half through it. We were planning to visit the wine region of Mendoza, work in Cordoba for a month, see the northern tip of Argentina (Salta) before crossing into Bolivia. We would require a longer visa. We needed to leave the country and return to get a new one. You literally only need to cross the border for five minutes and re-enter to get a new visa. Holiday visa, of course. We decided to head over to Uruguay to renew it. Made the most sense and we wanted to see it. Uruguay would be amazing if in the summer but we went in the middle of their winter so not much was happening.
You can get a 3-4 hour ferry from Buenos Aires to Montevideo but we opted for the far cheaper straight bus route. It was about 8-10 hours, I believe. Piece of cake.
We arrived in Montevideo and just chilled out after a manic few days in Buenos Aires. Bodies, souls and wallets required some chill out time. The hostel we stayed in had an extensive DVD collection which we made the most of. We bitched and moaned about the weather for a few hours. Heavily considering bombing up to the sun of Peru. We copped ourselves on and got over our desire to chase the sun. We shall see plenty of the sun at a later stage.
We rented bikes and cycled up and down the coast which was lots of fun. Montevideo is a relatively big city that is beside the coast. You have an excellent contrast with high rise buildings to the left and beaches to the right. The weather was not good enough for us to lounge on the beach. Myself and Omar set up a biker gang. “Biker $lutzz”. Needless to say, 2 adults cycling around wearing shorts were very intimidating.
As a huge football fans, Uruguay was always going to interest us. The very first FIFA World Cup was held here in 1930. We went to the Estadio Centerario (where the first World Cup Final was held) and the museum that was inside. It was a brilliant day out. The museum was fascinating. Getting the chance to see the very first World Cup trophy was pretty bad ass.
We got the oppertunity to walk around the stadium also which was great fun. We were allowed in the press room which we thoroughly enjoyed. Pretended to field difficult questions to the press. Totally worth a look when in Montevideo.
We were planning to explore more of Uruguay but the weather was fairly rotten and it was far from cheap. Plus our desire to go to Patagonia was growing. While evacuating MacDonalds one night in the pissing rain. Omar thought he would be clever and jump over a massive puddle, only to fall and nearly drown himself. This was a hilarious moment.
Our hostel in Montevideo was pretty empty but we did meet two interesting Irish guys. They met for the first time in the airport. One of them posted questions on boards.ie about travelling around south america for a few months and typed up his route. The other guy read this and also had the same route planned. So, they decided to travel together. That is so weird, aint it? When we asked how they knew eachother and said through the internet, I assumed it was a joke. I have joked that me and omar met on a dating site while away. They didnt even seem to get along very well. I can imagine there being big problems for them soon. One seemed really nice and cool but one was a big country lad. I can imagine him describing himself as great banter when in reality, he hasnt much of a personality and makes crap slags at other people. We had a few drinks with them and exchanged some stories. It was good fun.
From Uruguay, we headed back to Buenos Aires (8 hour bus) for a few hours before heading south on a 24 hour bus journey to do some whale watching. South America is so big. Going less than half the country on a good bus with good roads and it still takes 24 hours. Puerto Madryn was our first port of call for some whale watching. This was such a spectacular experience. Really really memorable. We got picked up from our hostel and headed to this really picture-esque beach where we watched the whales come so close to the shore. Like, you could swim out to them. It was incredible. The air smelt so good. It felt so pure or something.
Look at that sunrise. Man, it was such a nice moment. That thing in the water is a whale.
Then we headed to another place where we jumped on a boat. Once again, spectacular. They come so close to the boat. It was brilliant. I nearly had a heart attack when they swam under the boat but to see them dive so close to you (and stick their tale) in the air was amazing. God, I loved it.
We then went to visit sea lions. Sea lions suck but we knew this anyway. Puerto Madryn was a beautiful little town. Just for fishing and tourists going whale watching. When were leaving the national park after a long long day, I could not wipe the smile off my face. The whale watching was one of those moments. I cannot really explain how I felt afterwards but it was one of those moments that you will remember for the rest of your life and tell your grandkids about. Brilliant. An incredible moment when you realise just how memorable a moment is, when in the actual moment. I said moment a lot there.
So, from Puerto Madryn, another 24 hour journey further south to El Calafete. This may sound like hard work but Argentinian buses make long journeys so much less painful. Comfy seats, free food and often movies in english.
The highlight of my trip so far has been Botofogo beach in Rio (just spectacular scenery), Villa Florida beach in Paraguay (spectacular isolated beach where we sat and chat for hours) and now El Calafete glacier.
El Calafate is a gorgeous little town. Why can a straight guy not say gorgeous? There is not a whole lot to do in El Calafate but it was sensationally picturesque. We would get up early for the trip to the glacier and eat breakfast. We ate breakfast in a cabin with the most incredible view of the Andes. I remember planning to read for an hour or two but just ended up staring out the window with a cup of tea. It was a spectacular moment. I would have liked to write about El Calafate and the glacier while looking at them but I fear that the beauty of my surroundings would have made me think I was some sort of poet which no doubt, would have resulted in some awful cringeworthy rubbish (more so than usual).
We met some cool people while in the hostel. 2 very nice girls from Namibia. I will be very surprised if I ever meet another Namibian, let alone on this trip. They both had the poshest english accent ever. Their Dad was from Yorkshire but anyone that I have ever met from Yorkshire has never sounded that posh. Is it Yorkshire or Lancashire that I am thinking about? Now we are playing, guess what Brian is thinking. Captivating reading.
The two girls came to Patagonia as they have never seen snow before. They were on a mission to complete a dream come true; a snow angel. There was another Irish guy in the hostel also. He was an Irish teacher. Nice dude. Would say, “Alright lads” anytime he entered a room. Did not matter if the room was populated by girls.
The reason that everyone flocks to El Calafate is for the Perito Moreno Glacier. I have not indulged you with a fact yet. 240 feet tall (made out of water) and 588 feet under water! Holy shit. That is big, like. It is also one of three Patagonian glaciers still growing. Very informative. Remember to thank me, fools.
We had an early start on the day of the trip. Boy oh boy was I excited. The drive to the reserve where the glacier is located was extremely scenic. Patagonia in general is a ridiculously scenic place. I could have easily sit for hours and just stare at the landscape. The weather was fairly horrible on the day. Constant rain. Not too heavy so it was not too bad. You can see the glacier miles in the distance as you approach it. When you first get a glimpse, your jaw hits the floor. The closer and closer you get, the sheer size of it dawns on you. The more in awe you feel. We just stared in silence without even realizing you have a massive smile on your face. One of those moments…
Every single penny and minute spent on buses to see this was totally worth it. The sheer size of it was breathtaking. Speechless.
There is little point in even writing about it. No words can capture what you see and none of these pictures do it justice. The color alone was like something that I have never seen before. It is an amazing thing when you are so excited to see something and it still manages to blow your expectations out of the water. I had one of the best sleeps of my life that night. I was getting worried about my money situation but I left Patagonia having done whale watching and seen a Glacier up close.
Justification.
Rosario, Che’s Gaff and False Celebrity
We left Buenos Aires when our lease on our apartment ran out. The gang went our different ways. The girls headed up towards Bolivia while me and Omar started to work our way slowly south before heading to Patagonia.
Directly after Buenos Aires, Omar was in Puerto Iguazu with Leah and I headed solo to Santa Fe.
Santa Fe seems like it would be a really beautiful town during the summer. We were in the middle of winter. Tourists often take boat trips around the lake but we could not do it as it was lashing rain. We really did very little in Santa Fe. We were bored and wanted something to do so we booked a tour around a beer brewery. Unsure why. None of us had much interest in it. We booked it for the next day but while at dinner that night, we decided we would just head off to Rosario and skip it. We went to an all you can eat Fish restaurant while there. It was callled “El Quincho de Chiquito “. Amazing food. It seemed to be owned by a local boxer as there is a lot of boxing pictures around the place. Oh, actually. I recall there being a statue of a boxer outside it. It was class food. The place opens at about 8ish and we arrived early and could see the delivery of fresh fish at around 7.30. It was lovely. We ate too much and felt quite ill. Omar had spaghetti for breakfast also. That was crazy.
On the bus back from the fish restaurant to our hostel, we decided to have a sneaky cigarette while we wait for the bus. Typically, the bus showed up as soon as we lit up. Unwilling to throw away the cigarette, I stubbed it on the soul of my foot and placed it behind me ear. Simple stuff. We took our place at the back of the bus as we are bad asses. We detected a funny smell. After ignoring it for a while, I got a burning sensation on my ear. The cigarette was still lit. How embarrassing. Just think about it, this gringo gets on a bus with smoke bellowing from his cigarette behind his ear. Oops.
After a relatively pointless trip to Santa Fe we headed to Rosario. Rosario is well known for adventure activities. The plan was to skydive for my birthday. We walked up and down the lake in Rosario. It is a really beautiful city. We went to where Che Guevra was born. Unsure what I was expecting but a plaque outside an office saying “Che Wuz Ere 55” was not it. It is in the lonely planet as one of the things to see and is literally just a plaque. We strolled past it a few times saying, “Surely there is more to it than this….”. There wasn’t. This was it.
Nothing to see here. Rosario is a very cool city. Me and Omar just pottered around for the day and really enjoyed it. I was still very snap happy so we ended up taking alot of pictures like this;
We met some interesting characters in our hostel. A guy from New Zealand and a girl from Colombia. They were both absolutely mental but in different ways. Mr. NZ was an interesting character. He was a sheep sheerer. I made a few hilarious Alan Shearer related jokes that went down terribly. He was explaining how much money is in sheep sheering. Not just in the industry but competition-wise. There are tournaments which are big big money. Quick and cleanest sheer. Madness. He was telling me about sheering magazines. I wonder are there sexy centrefolds in the centre or posters of your favourite sheerers.
The colombian girl seemed lovely at first and then had some vodka and started to explain how she was going to murder her boyfriend. We tried not to ask too many questions but she was eager to explain. I was more interested in learning more about sheep sheering.
As I mentioned before, we were intending to skydive for my birthday. I always wanted to do it and Rosario seemed like the place to do it. It is easily the most terrified I have ever been as I was waiting for our bus to collect us. I was beginning to dread it and actually felt a bit ill. I decided to do what any man would do while nervous. Go for a walk and blast Tiesto through the headphones. I was ready. I was ready to kick some ass. 5 minutes till pick up. So bloody ready, baby. Bring it on. 3 minutes till pick up. Phone call. Skydive cancelled. So ready…. oh…
Massive pain in the ass. They said that their driver was sick. Such bullshit. He hardly got sick on the way to pick us up. Very annoying. We had our ticket booked back to Buenos Aires that night so we could not reschedule. Pain. We went for a walk around Rosario once more to cheer us up. We found a really brilliant monument in Rosario. We hung around there for a few hours. If in Rosario, check out “Rosario Flag Monument”. Well worth a wander.
We made some friends during our time there. Tonnes of ladeeeeeeez. Oh yeah. They were all about 12 but y’know. Beggars can’t be choosers. They all seemed to think that I was some sort of celebrity. I, of course, did not deny the rumour and even signed some autographs. God, I am such a dickhead.
I shall return to Rosario in my old age and use my celebrity profile to take a wife. Until then…..
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Boca Juniors, Steak and Rose
So, I left you all at the edge of your seat from where I left you all in the last entry. I apologise for the lack of sleep you must be suffering from. God, I am writing this from Kuala Lumpur airport in Malaysia. A few hours to kill before heading to New Zealand (that could be a spoiler!) and I have passed through a million timezones and I feel mental. This could be an entertaining read as you may witness a nervous breakdown in the form of a blog.
Right, so we know the hilarity that ensued from our nights out. I did not intend to come to South America to go clubbing but I bloody enjoyed doing it.
I was determined to pick up some spanish along the way. How would I ever marry Shakira without speaking her native language? Yes. There are many other problems with this plan but spanish is a start. When Mags would depart us, me and Omar would have to negotiate our way through South America with no spanish. This would have proven so difficult. We enrolled in a class back in Dublin but it seemed to be just a class for old people to order food on holidays or to pass the time. I did have moments in that class where I actually had to bite my lip to stop myself from laughing. 3 moments in particular;
1) After class ends, Omar stands up to a class of 60 year olds and goes “Class drinks?!”
2) Billy. Oh billy. Billy was about 70 years old and enjoyed a good nap in class. One day, he turned to me and Omar and out of nowhere goes, “Lads, I have no idea what is going on”
3) The best for last. The love of my life. She was about a thousand years old. In one of the early classes, we went around introducing ourselves in spanish. “My name is blah blah blah.”. It comes to this angel and she says “My name is Rose” (in spanish obviously). The teacher looks puzzled and checks her list of names. No Rose on the list. The teacher asks what her name was. “Monica”. Did she adopt a spanish name or something? My god, I think a tear fell from my eye as I was trying to contain myself.
So yeah, those spanish classes while thoroughly entertaining did not achieve much. On arrival to Buenos Aires, we attempted spanish classes once more. It was with a company called “Ibero”. I would recommend it. Going to school in Buenos Aires everyday and to return to an apartment was a brilliant experience. I think I enjoyed pretending to be a normal person. Me and Omar did it for the first week and Leah joined us for the final two. I felt I learnt a lot and got a good grip of the basics. In fairness to us, we were very disciplined. We always did our homework and often studied. God, we are such nerds. The only problem with the class was the teacher only spoke spanish which at times was very beneficial but to explain grammer, you do need someone to discuss it in layman’s terms. We had a teacher who could speak english one day to fill in for our regular teacher. It was so much better. When he found out that we were Irish, he was delighted and explained his undying love for Enya. An argentinian man, no older than 30, loves Enya. Odd.
La Boca and Boca Juniors was maybe the highlight of my Buenos Aires experience. We went on a bus tour around Buenos Aires and hopped off in La Boca. La Boca is a slum in Buenos Aires and is apparently very dangerous but they have an area for tourists. It was such a cool place. Big bright buildings and tango in the streets. Me and Omar were fortunate enough to get tickets for their (and legendary Striker, Martin Palermo’s last ever game) final home game of the season.
This was our second attempt at going to a Boca game. The first was a disaster. Omar’s Dad has a pal who works in association with Boca Juniors and got us tickets for a game. Absolutely brilliant news. All we had to do was ring him on the morning of the game and organise the pick up of the tickets. Easy as pie! I never understood that, is pie easy? We went out the night before the game. We arrived home at some mental time in the morning (as is the argentinian way). We set our alarms for 12.00pm so we can call our contact. Alarm goes off and we head down to a payphone to call him. It went a little something like this;
Omar - “hello alejandro. This is Omar. You asked us to call about tickets.”
Alejandro - “Eh, yeah. I have the tickets but it is half time.”
Omar - “Half time? I thought it kicked off at 4?”
Alejandro - “It did.”
Omar looks at me with horror and asks me for the time. It is quarter to five. Absolute disaster. God, I still cringe when thinking about it. After minutes of apologising. We hung up. Most embarrassed boys ever.
We were still determined to see a Boca game and obviously we severed any chance of getting a ticket of that guy. God, we are such a pair of dopes. Why did we not check the time?! How did we not notice it was the evening?! We organised our tickets through a hostel, Millhouse. Good hostel. Would recommend people to stay in it. It is a party hostel and mostly full of horny dudes but can be fun. We paid (I think) 250 peso for a ticket which we found out later only costs 40 peso.
Annoying. After q’ing for ages, we were finally inside the legendary “La Bombonera”. A dream come true. I have always read different things about Boca and the infamous atmosphere but to be amongst it was incredible. We were behind the goals at one end. At first when we entered the ground with other hostellers, our seats (well, place to stand) was not great. Me and Omar left the group and got amongst the Boca fans. Oh, as I mentioned we left with people from the hostel. We did not really chat to that many on the night but got chatting to Harry. Harry was from england.
Harry explained to us that he is not really into “culture”. He explained that before he left England, he did not check the currency exchange rate and subsequently paid about 160e for a journey that should be about 20e. Shocking stuff. He barely seemed to care or was not even slightly embarrassed. I wonder at what point the driver realised that he could take this guy’s money. This guy also asked a question that followed us around the entire South America trip when with guys. “So, where are the best girls?” or “What are the girls in (specific place) like?”. I never knew how to answer these questions. “Yeah, there are girls in this area of the world.” Confusing. We met people who were travelling to a specific part of the world just for the women.
Anyway, the match. Boca were playing Tigres (I think). It seemed to be a relatively pointless mid table battle. Boca did not have a great season but you would never tell the match did not matter. The atmosphere was unbelievable. I have never felt or heard anything like that. For the entire 90 minutes, the crowd sang and danced. We joined in. It ended 1-1 which was the only downside. Boca took the lead and the place went absolutely mental. I was pretty nervous after the first goal went in. Fans always rush to the front, so you receive quite the shove. If Boca thrashed Tigres by 5 or 6, I definitely would have died. After the celebrations calmed down, we survived. In the final few minutes at 1-1, Boca threw everything at the goal. Part of me was dying for an epic last minute winner but at the same time, I was worried how mental the crowd would go! Of course, we wanted that last minute winner from Palermo. There was a huge ceremony for Martin Palermo after the game which was brilliant to see.
A video of his best moments was played and he gave a speech. He wore a cape for some reason. It was not even a Boca flag draped around him. It was a red cape. Grown men around us were shedding tears. Brilliant scenes. You have to love that football is so much more than a game here. You see “Maradona is God” graffiti everywhere! On the way home, I could not stop smiling. Seeing Boca play was something I have always wanted to do. It shall definitely be a moment that I shall remember forever. One of the highlights of my trip so far. I still have my Martin Palermo jersey with me now. Great day. I came home and fell asleep smiling. (A running theme of the trip!) One of those things that you always wanted to see/do and it was as good, if not better than expected. If even in the vicinity of Buenos Aires, go see Boca!
We did other bits and bobs around Buenos Aires. On Omar’s first night we decided to treat ourselves and went to an infamous steak house, La Cabrera. GO TO THIS PLACE! My goodness. Me and the girls had been discussing this steal meal weeks before the arrival of Omar. The steak was so good. It was an out of body experience. So, so good. The night ended up a bit of a disaster. Being on a tight budget, tipping does not really come into our thought process. We left a 2 peso tip (6 peso=1 euro) and left the restaurant. The waiter than comes out of the restaurant and calls us to give back our 2 peso. How embarrassing. Omar said it was for him but he insisted we keep it. Of course, when we returned to a different branch of the same restaurant (to avoid this waiter) we had the same waiter. Brilliant. We made sure to leave a tip this time. What a dickhead move though. It did work as he left a tip this time. However, I stole about 15 lollipops to even out the score. Take that, struggling waiter.
San Telmo market is a great spot. Loads of really cool stalls selling loads of different crap. So many excellent presents for people, well potentially. Unfortunately I can’t really be carrying presents for everyone for months and months. We met two interesting american guys who were selling spicey sauce at a stall. They have made a good bit of money from it and hope to open their own kitchen soon. Ambitious folks. If you are there and see them, help out! The sauce is lovely.
We attempted several times to go see a Planetarium. I think there were three attempts. We would arrive at different times and different days but whenever we showed up, it was closed. Pretty annoying as I was hoping to see a Planetarium. Fuck you, Planetarium.
So the time came to depart Buenos Aires for the final time. As I mentioned before, me and Omar renewed or Visa in Uruguay before heading back. We were heading down south to Patagonia before starting work in Cordoba (back up North) so it was the last we would see Buenos Aires for quite some time. I was pretty delighted to get on the move again but I loved my time in BA. It is an absolutely incredible city and it was a brilliant experience to live in an apartment there. I am sure I will return one day!
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Buenos Aires, Bam Margera and Blood
(Puerto Madero, walking distance from our apartment in San Telmo)
We were in Buenos Aires for almost 2 months so it will take some time to get through this but I believe in us. We can do this, reader.
Boy oh boy. I was excited to see Buenos Aires. The vibe and atmosphere in the city is unreal. You have so much fun just walking around for the day. We spent so many hours just trawling through the streets. I will most certainly return one day. I shall start at the start. The beginning seems like a good place to begin. My first impression of Buenos Aires was, “Woof! It is cold. I am cold.” We were not in the baking heat that we grew accustomed to. We arrived a few days before Omar arrived so just hung around our hostel. The girls took this time to beautify themselves for the incoming male. I received no such attention when I was incoming.
The hostel we stayed in was pretty cool. It was in Belgrano which is a very posh end of Buenos Aires. The hostel was basically owned by a pair of rich kids who turned a big house into a big hostel. It was mostly filled with their mates which was a bit annoying as they treated it quite poorly. Nobody cleaned up after themselves. Countless times we had to clean someone elses dishes to use them. This always really annoys me. You do not want to know the murderous things that go through my mind while cleaning dried rice off a pot. The hostel was easily the cheapest in BA so it was not too bad. We went to a house party hosted by one of the hostel owners. His house was absolutely amazing. It was a very fun party. They tried to rip us off on the purchasing of beer. We were not pleased about it and decided that we shall not be partaking in the drinking at the party. I would like to think that the host allowed us to drink for free (details are hazy) but we ended up drinking alot of their alcohol. Too much of their alcohol. 2/3’s of the group made quite the fools of ourselves at the party. Oh dear. I then became too embarrassed to engage with the people in the hostel again. Well, it was a combination of embarrassment and not being bothered. I feel the guys just wanted the girls and I was a drunken obstacle. They played their game very well. I was out of the way quite early.
I ate a lot of bread in Buenos Aires. Like, loads. Full french baguettes.
Jesus, what an interesting fact. Omar arrived soon after that party and we became a 4 piece. We found an apartment and moved in for the month. Leah arrived shortly after and we all packed into the small apartment.
(Me ruining the family picture. I still look the best. That bunch of mingers)
I have not used the word minger for quite some time. It felt good. I am going to call someone a minger tonight at some point.
Having the apartment was brilliant and it was really fun negotiating life around Buenos Aires (going to school, using the subway, grocery shopping..) I find the most simple of things enjoyable in a different country.
I am a well cultured man who is very deep. So, typically, one of my favorite things to do in BA was go out and get drunk with my 4 Irish friends. Buenos Aires has a pretty epic nightlife. Argentinians are mental though. In Ireland, I am stumbling home at 2.30am. In Argentina, you are only arriving to the club. You start drinking at around 12. It is madness. To be fair, Argentinians do not seem to drink as much though. I have quite a few tales to share with you from our time in Buenos Aires. Myself, Omar and Leah often had class during the week so midweek partying was not often (plus we money was an issue. Always an issue) so partying was left to the weekends. We would often meet people who are constantly partying but a month in Buenos Aires is very different to a year in South America. Wow, captain obvious. I did find that difficult at times though. Thinking when you meet someone just on a brief holiday and being “Hmmm, I may not be partying enough.”. This thought process would often dissappear after glancing at the bank account followed by a glance at the calender.
Perhaps one of our most infamous tales from South America occurred in a place known as “CLUB AMERICA”.
This is a very well known gay club. We were unaware that it was a gay club at the time. So, me and Omar felt pretty awkward at the beginning. Classic case of straight guys surrounded by gay guys. “Watch your ass. They all want to have sex with us, bro.”
It is no wonder the gays have so much sex. There is so little flirting or game playing. Just grabbing. I acted disgusted but I was totally a little flattered.
Omar - I think this is a gay club
Brian - Why would you say that?
Omar - The sign says “South America’s biggest gay club”
This was our first clue that we may be in a gay club. When we entered and saw hundreds of scantily clad men dancing with each other, we became certain of our location.
Now, it came down to this key moment. Do you cut your losses and try somewhere else? Or make the most of the evening? We decided to party like it is Gay 1999.
80 peso in which is 13 euro roughly. This is very expensive by any standards. HOWEVER MY FRIENDS. Not only were there enough gays to shake a stick at inside but there was a free bar. With the amount of alcohol consumed, 13 euro for the night was a bargain. I never want access to a free bar again.
We were easily the drunkest people ever. I fell into the same trap every time. In some guys ass. No, I jest. I would order two drinks at the bar and then be like, “Jesus, holding two drinks is a pain.”. So, I would down one drink. Realise that I have a free hand and then buy another one. This process was repeated throughout the night.
Omar had quite a harrowing experience while there. Basically, Emma went MIA in the club so the remaining members of our crew had a meeting. We decided to split up, look for emma and return to this spot in 15 minutes. We all agreed. After we broke the huddle, I just walked out of the club and went home. Unsure where everyone else went. I doubt they know either. Omars quest to find Emma got very dark. He wrote an entry in my DREAM DIARY so I shall transcribe it in his words.
“It was mental. So at this point, Emma is missing and has been missing for a good 6 hours. So on a search for Emma, I find myself patroling this area which the website describes as “a dark corner”. It was more like a dark cave. I’m looking around for her and a few guys are grabbing at me, no shame, but I don’t mind and keep looking. I look to my right, wow, that couple are really going at it. I look to my left. Oh shit. That couple are having sex. I look in any direction. Oh my god, everyone is riding! Oh what…that girl is getting spitroasted…..oh what…that girl is a transexual. OH HOLY WHAT?! There is a queue of guys waiting to do her next….oh wow…”
Oh lol. We all arrived safe and sound. No one is quite sure how. Myself and Leah’s cameras also got “stolen”. I say “stolen” because I was so drunk that I am sure I just asked someone to take a picture and just walked off. Some of the pictures on that were legendary.
There was this hugely obese man (with his top off, naturally) dancing around the place. I thought for the LOL that I would dance with him. So, I stroll up and throw him my best moves (most likely the dice) and he looks at me with disgust. REJECTED!! Rejected by someone who I tried to dance with for comedic effect! Confidence grew back after the first pinch of my bottom on my stroll back. Messy, Messy night but so much fun.
We had another fairly epic night out in a club whose name I cannot remember. However, it was so bloody plush. So fancy. Far too out of our budget. Now, the girls can get guys to buy them drinks and stuff but me and Omar gotta fend for ourselves. Everyone was drinking champagne in this place. A can of Quilmes was 25 peso (Just under a fiver!) Too expensive for the budget we were on. Unfortunately the club was in the middle of nowhere so we couldnt just ditch it and head to the next place. A girl came up to me (mid bust-a-move) and said “Jackass!”. I was very confused. Surely my dance style did not warrant abuse from strangers. After threatening to kill her family, she explained herself. She was under the impression I was Bam Margera.
Yeah, I don’t see it either. I get it so much though. I take it as a compliment as I find him very attractive. NO HOMO. Anyway, so this attractive girl thinks I am Bam Margera. I tell her that I am Bam Margera. She then bought me a drink. Ultimate win. This was the beginning of a dangerous trend that I will explain later. So, the taste of free liquor on my tongue gave me the encouragement to seek more. I finish my drink and decided I wanted more free booze. I love how I just “decided” this. I approached the bar and explained how MTV said I was due free drinks. He was confused at first but then pretended to know what I was talking about. Just as he agreed, Omar arrived and grabbed a free bottle of champagne and dissappeared. I explained that my entourage were very drunk. He laughed and made me a drink. Great stuff. This (unfortunately) was not the only time the Bam Margera card was played. A fine night. It was a club clearly for the wealthy youths in Buenos Aires.
The Bam Margera card lured its ugly head again later on that week. We went to a club with a school chum of us, Leon. We drank with the girls in the apartment and got to the roxy in seperate taxis. The girls did not arrive. Turns out there are two Roxy’s. We were quite drunk and just assumed the girls had a change of heart and went somewhere else. This doesn’t make sense in retrospect but alcohol is a funny thing. I was in the mood for mischief. And mischief occurred. I get like this sometimes. I just want to have a mess and entertain myself. These nights usually end up in pulling a lady which is a pretty terrible representation of myself or the ladies that I go for. Full of alcohol and full of confidence I was ready to attack. FUN FACT:- “Full of Alcohol, Full of Confidence” was an emily song that we were writing before we broke up.
So, the Bam Margera card was played. Basically, we just walked around asking for free drink claiming that we are from Jackass. It worked aswell, well I thought it worked. I got free booze so I suppose it did work. I went up to the bar and I was asking (or demanding) for free booze and the bar man got the manager. Woops. Perhaps I was out of my depth but the alcohol kept me afloat. I explained to him that MTV promised me free booze. He explained that “Kevin” from MTV always informs him of a celeb arriving. Snap. Potentially rumbled. POTENTIALLY. I said “Kevin” is sick and “Damien” is looking after us. The manager then informed me that “Kevin” was in earlier. RUMBLED. I stood staring blankly at him for a moment. Trying to work out my next move. My next move was to laugh and walk away. I am unsure if anyone actually believe that we were from Jackass. As at the end of the night, I told someone that I wasn’t actually Bam Margera and she said that she knew. I guess they enjoyed us telling our fibs.
I was out of money so I decided it was time to go. I found Omar dancing to ACDC on his own and Leon asleep on a couch. Away we went. We arrived at our door step to find the girls sitting outside the apartment. They were not impressed. We had the majority of their money and the keys to the apartment so when they ran out of money (early in the night) and come home, they couldnt get in. I assumed that they went to a drum show, La Bomba instead and when I stumbled in the door, I asked, “How were the drums?” no doubt slurring my words.
“We were not at the drums.” Emma responded through gritted teeth. The lesson we learnt from this experience? There are two Roxy’s in Buenos Aires and being a dickhead will get you laid. Go figure.
After we split up from the girls (moved out of the apartment). They went north and we headed all over the place. We decided to return to Buenos Aires for my birthday and to sort out our bus to Patagonia. We decided to do a pub crawl on my birthday. Fun fun! We befriended two lovely girls from London in our room. Spending my 25th birthday with two 19 year olds did not help the feeling of getting old. I got free shots which was nice but THE EVENT occurred when we were in a club called Crobar. Good club if around the Buenos Aires area. I’ll be honest, I will love any club once it plays pop music. I prefer to sing crap songs then to dance. I can’t dance anyway. Except ironically. I am a fabulous ironic dancer. Myself and Mar went to get a drink at the bar. Some guy (looked about twelve) knocked over our drink. Now, I tell people it was his attitude after he knocked over the drink that made us so agro (he just shrugged) but in reality it was most likely that the drink was 25 peso and we were on a 100 peso daily budget.
So, we asked him (quite aggressively) to replace the drink and he refused. It could have been because he was underage! He walked off and me and Omar were not impressed. His friend took me aside and told me to “Be careful”. I took no notice of this warning as I am pretty sure I have issued false threats like this in the past. What happened next. Mar knew better so I shall hand you back over to his entry
“You would think I would know more, but its a bit of a blur. I like how you phrase it, “we asked him to replace our drinks” More like, screaming the price of the drink in his face. Anyway, he was a total dickhead about it. Later that night, I see him again and I administer a vicious “dismissive tut” at him. Now, I could have sworn he was about six feet away when I did this, anyway, next thing I know, the guy hits me so many times, so fast, I can literally do nothing but wipe the blood away from my face. It won’t stop, at this point there is a circle of people formed. Brian thought I was involved in a dance off. I am obviously furious and go for him and his mates but he gets pulled away. I don’t know by who, but I get ushered into the medic room where I continue to swear blindly. Next thing I remember is the two girls trying to calm me down, which I sorta did as soon as I saw they were covered in my blood. I had came out and Brian formed a team of bouncers to find him. He was found and kicked out.”
Bam Margera was the theme of first two stories well blood is definately the theme of the above and the next one. Argentinians do not arrive at clubs until about 2 - 2.30am, so pre-drinking should not begin before 11. We started at 6pm so by the time we set foot in the club, it was about 8 hours. God. Disaster. We went to LA BOMBA
La Bomba is absolutely brilliant. If in BA, it is a must. African style drum concert. Sometimes songs will include guitars, keyboards or vocals. Some of the stuff is brilliant. Good place to socialize and have a bit of a dance. This starts at 7.30. It was the girls we were with last night in South America so they wanted to go mental. Me and Omar…..I suppose we were still celebrating my birthday? Yeah. That must be it.
The smell of weed in the place is pretty mad. We heard rumors of “special” brownies going around. I saw nothing of the sort. I had “special” brownies in Amsterdam before. It was nothing to write home about….despite the fact that I am writing about it now. A girl I know ate brownies and slept for 30 hours. Fun sidenote. This blog has it all.
The girls knew someone who could get free tickets. He brought 4 tickets for us all. Then the dick didnt give me or Omar tickets because he thought we were boyfriends and he wanted to hook up with the girls. Despite the fact that he went to the drum expo with a girl. He was also accompanied by an australian guy, Gus. Gus was cool. Not a whole lot to say about him but he was extremely positive (everything was amazing or brilliant) and he said the words “Higgeldy Piggeldy” which I found beyond hilarious.
Anyway, we left the expo and headed back to the room for some drinking games and celine dion songs. They were brilliant girls now that I think about it. We formed a little group so easily. We arrived at the club. Unsure if I could even formulate sentences at this stage. I could certainly take pictures. Evidence. I need to stop supplying other with evidence of my lack of class. I say, while posting this is a blog. Sure, its a lesson learnt.
Let us begin. I fell in glass and cut my hand open quite badly. Blood everywhere. No one noticed that I was spewing blood everywhere. For whatever reason, I then began to hug everyone. Still unaware I was bleeding nor was anyone else. Everyone woke up very confused as to why there was blood everywhere. Everyone just assumed it was Omar bleeding on everyone again.
Big F.E.A.R. that next morning.
That night I slept in my bed. Covering it with blood and shame. More so blood. But especially shame.
So that was our experience on the Buenos Aires nightlife. Fun times. What did we do when not disgracing ourselves you ask? Well, you shall have to find out in the next installment. CLIFFHANGER. KEEP THE READER ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEAT!
Puerto Iguazu (Argentina)
Hi Folks!
I have loads of stuff written down from my travels so I thought I would start getting it all down before I lose my very straight dream journal.
After a pretty disastrous attempt to see the infamous Iguazu Falls from Brazil which lead us to accidentally enter Paraguay. Very rarely in your life will you hear about people entering a country by accident. Anyway, we already discussed that disaster. To be honest, I was not too excited to see the falls. I am not sure why but I assumed it would be nearly as impressive as Niagra falls. I was mistaken.
There is not an awful lot to do in the town of Puerto Iguazu. It is pretty much just a place to see the falls. We went to an Italian restaurant one of the nights and it was easily one of the finest meals I have ever had. This is a rare thing to say whilst travelling through South America as everything is so bloody plain. Rice and chicken. However, in saying that. I fell madly in love with Rice and chicken during the trip. But more about that excitement development later!
For any peeps reading this travelling to Puerto Iguazu, the restaurant is on the main street and is called “La Mamma”. My god. Thank me afterwards.
I had never heard of Iguazu Falls before I stepped onto the continent and actually opened my Lonely Planet. It may be very well known and I may be an uncultured swine. Who knows? Would you like a fact about Iguazu Falls? Ah yeah. Sure you do! Perhaps we will use some italics to make it seem extra fancy.
There are 275 drops and the biggest is 269 feet.
Wow! 275 drops! Hate to fall down one of them, eh?! Notice I am interacting with the reader. Writing tip for all you aspiring travel writers. Another tip is learning grammar and to spell. I havent gotten past the interaction bit. Iguazu Falls is in Brazil and Argentina (also borders Paraguay).
Iguazu Falls was pretty sensational. I found them far more impressive than Niagra falls. Not only for the sheer size and force but the amount of them. There are loads, like. I always find writing about beautiful things difficult because, well, I suck at writing. So, I shall say that the waterfalls were incredibly beautiful, inspiring and I shed a tear from the beauty. I learnt that while at the falls that people who see the waterfall are better and more interesting than people who have not seen it.
What is the opposite to beautiful and inspiring? Yes. You guess it. An elderly woman shitting herself. I suppose some may find it inspiring. As we were Q-ing to enter the park (Oh the falls are in a national park). Myself and my two travelling were chatting away, the girls most likely laughing at something hilarious I said. We detect a smell. Emma detects it first but we ignore her as she is obsessed with smells. Soon, I get a wiff off this horrific scent. It smelt like shit. Couldnt be shit though? SURELY!? The national park is in a relatively rural part of Argentina so I foolishly assumed it was cow shit. Not old woman shit. Emma then noticed an old lady with a stained behind and dripping from her trousers. Now, I never asked why Emma was checking out this ladies behind as we had a more pressing issue at the time.
A mixture of laughter and tears ensued. What would you do if you were in that situation? Your friend shits themselves and its going to be embarrassing to tell them but on a group tour? Horrific stuff. It was a tour full of elderly people so maybe they are all used to shitting themselves. Maybe this is socially acceptable at that age? If so, I look forward to retirement. Shitting my pants around the world.
We saw the old girl later on in the park with her jumper wrapped around her waist. Covering her backside. Well played, Granny.
After a beautiful day of watching Waterfalls and speculating about the elderly and their toilet habits, it was time to head towards our next destination. Beautiful Buenos Aires. Hellz yeah. Our trio would become a 5 piece as two more friends were joining the crew.
We booked our bus to Buenos Aires from Puerto Iguazu. Simple stuff, eh? Just jump on a bus and fly down to BA. Of course not. Of course not. Not for us anyway. The bus station was just down the road from our hostel (easily walking distance). The woman we bought the ticket off said there would be a van picking us up and bringing us to the bus station. Confused, we tried to explain how we were in walking distance but she insisted. Grand stuff.
We are sitting by the pool catching some rays when a guy from our hostel says our lift is outside. Wonderful. We walk out the front to see a woman in a mini van. This woman dropped her children to football practice moments before picking us up, I am sure of it. We laughed and in typical style, just jumped in the car. Not questioning anything. Here is a good tip for people travelling:- maybe ask a few questions. Do not always go for the cheapest bus option.
The mini van drove past the bus station. Once again. We just sat there and watched the bus station vanish into the distance. We then approached border control. “Oh God. We are leaving Argentina.” Were we going to accidentally end up in Paraguay again?! I asked the soccer mom where we were going. She smiled and said “Brazil”.
“Oh fantastic”.
Note:- We are heading to Buenos Aires which is the capital of Argentina. Argentina is a different country than Brazil. Brazil, being the country we were heading to.
We entered Brazil. Got our exit stamp for Argentina and our entry stamp for Brazil. The woman than left us at the border saying that the bus will be along within the next hour.
“Oh fantastic”
There was a genuine fear that we got horribly ripped off and that there was no bus. We did buy it from a desk in the bus station. It should have been legit. We were waiting for this potentially mythical bus for 5 hours. Not “within the next hour”. This is a pretty common theme in South America. It sounds like a pain but you really grow accustomed to it. It actually becomes a huge treat when you leave or arrive anywhere on time.
We see our bus pull up in the distance. Hooray! Our three sweaty Irish heroes are saved. The bus has no record of us. Our names are not on the list.
“Oh fantastic”
We somehow managed to get onto the bus. I am not entirely sure how but some very friendly Brazilian helped us. I think the girls looking like they were about to start crying helped also. We boarded the bus. It smelled very very bad. Only a 28 hour journey. It was supposed to be 16 hours but……South America.
So, there you have it. That was a nice installment. I think I was hoping this would be a handy reference for other travelers. I am beginning to think that it wont be. In a post containing about one of the most beautiful things in South America, I seemed to focus on an elderly woman soiling herself.
Well, at least you know what to expect from future posts.
Let Us Do This
Greetings ladies.
I am going to start updating this again. I have loads of little notes and stuff that I wrote down from my trip around South America that I shall post. I also am finally going to start podcasting again basically an audio version of our trip. I will talk to the peeps I travelled with to get their feelings and reactions to the different experiences.
Peace
B-Unit
eoghanhandley asked: I have no idea how to reply but yes, yes i meant Lyon. You'd think i'd know how to spell their name after playign with them for 3 or 4 seasons...but no, no i don't! Ha.
Haha, I was confused. Thought there was some Spanish team called Leon or something. God…..I miss FIFA
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